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|Friday, July 22nd, 2005|
I'm tired of you leaving me alone at home to knock around with your famous fatarsed friends or to go shopping for the twenty nine thousandth time, I'm not some kind of house husband who sits around wearing an embroidered apron delicately soaping the dishes. Nothing I do seems to make you happy enough, yesterday I even told James I was quitting Baby shambles to work with you and I've a black eye and bruises to show for it. Pleased yet?? If I'm not in later I've gone out to think about confusing matters. Yesterday John told me something I've yet to work out on my own and yes it is
about Carl whether you like it or not.
|Wednesday, July 20th, 2005|
Been sitting around just strumming my guitar, I'll need to restring it later though, the G string broke and nearly poked me in the eye. I've not gone out at all or practised with the band because I'm recovering from a killer bout of 'flu, which atop other matters makes me even more miserable. When I'm ill I can't eat or talk or move properly, I just feel too horrid so I have to be bedridden. Yesterday Kate was rather impatient with me, she refused to believe I'd contracted both pneumonia and consumption. I was hoping she'd read to me in a gentle soothing voice and sponge my fevered brow like me mam and certain other people used to do but she chucked an assortment of pills at me and left to go shopping.
I was thus left alone. I tried shouting for Lila but I remembered Kate had packed her off to a friend's house to be quarantined. In a fit of desperation (I couldn't reach my glass of water) I called Katie and croaked that I was in the throes of death. She told me not to be silly and that she was used to my antics. I could hear Carl's concerned voice in the background. Later after asking for my address she brought over some warm chicken soup which I drank gratefully, it tasted curiously familiar. I asked her if Carl had made it and she refused to give me an answer.
Funny after that I felt much better.
|Friday, July 15th, 2005|
Forgive me, the effects of concussion are thoroughly gone but I postponed the summer tour anyway. I've been feeling queer and drained ever since I went off my trolley a few days back. I wrote a song predicting everyone was going to be happy even without a Waterloo in close proximity but the truth is I'm not. I need more time with myself and less with the band especially Drew, this sounds awful but we were practising yesterday and he was playing shirtless and I couldn't bear to look at him for impersonal reasons. Besides it's become slightly awkward between us after I got plastered and started weeping on his shoulder and refused to let go of his bum. There's still Big Gay Out though, which I don't want to pull outof because it promises to be such a joyous event and the dancers are going to be fabulous.
Today Kate and I recorded the final version of I Touch Myself. She wanted to add in sex noises as a bold statement but I decided I sounded unattractively high-pitched. She also suggested we could form a side-project together or alternatively we could form a proper band and Baby shambles could be my side-project. I told her I'd think it over, Kate never takes no for an answer.
|Monday, July 11th, 2005|
Hello! I'm notsure what I'm typing, my mind's in a fog, not an oppressive grey fog but rather a quiet slowly settling mist that dulls the senses and fills one with elation. I must go to him.
Kate don't log me out, for the life of me I can't recall my pass word,
|Sunday, July 10th, 2005|
I recently got back from hospital, the Royal London Hospital to be exact. Kate m'love forgive me for worrying you sick, I was unconscious and couldn't call home and the doctors had no means of contacting you after you requested to remove your name from the phone book.
I was about to meet up with the 'shambles lads to show them some new material and hoping we could write tunes to some of my older poetry and write a song about the girl in my novel Carole who is a female fictional character mind. I was absorbed in my pertinent thoughts and humming to myself when Lisa Moorish ambushed me
. She jumped out of a hawthorn bush wearing black and an assassin's mask but I instantly recognised her war-cry. Caught offguard I had no choice but to run. I was terribly short of breath but spurred on by fear of being brutally injured and us going down in history as the modern day Sid and Nancy complete with fatal attraction.
Without thinking I ran into a pub, one of those with medieval writing carved on a sign but I've forgotten its name, rightnow I'm forgetting a lot of details. I couldn't find suitable nooks and crannies so I proceeded to hide in a toilet cubicle. I sank down for a moment to recover but leapt up when I heard moaning
coming from the neighbouring toilet stall. I decided to ignore it and let the poor couple get off but the moaning sounded eerily familiar and I simply had to find out who it was. Once I have something in mind I can't quite letgo of it. So I climbed onto the cistern and looked over the partition trying my best to be unobtrusive.
It was Carl and John
. Part of me was stunned, they didn't seem the sort for public sexual exploits, the rest I'm not so sure. All I remember is falling backwards, a sharp pain in my head (I suspect I hit the toilet roll holder) and then my vision going black as Carl's hair I suppose. When I woke up I was in a room with white walls that seemed to be closing in on me. I was severely disoriented and began to scream hysterically. A doctor and two nurses rushed to my aid and I accused them of feeding me with mind-altering drugs so they could perform inhumane experiments on me. The doctor said wearily that I should take a second and think as I wasn't supposed to have suffered any form of memory loss. I refused to believe him and was in the process of checking to see if my limbs were still intact when everything came back in an instant.
I'll explain the rest tomorrow, my head throbs incessantly and I need to change my dressing. Carl if you're reading this I need to talk to you very badly.
|Friday, July 8th, 2005|
Today alone I received ten furious calls from Katie Lewis and five more from assorted friends of Carl Barat I don't even know personally, one called Alex I think told me to stop being a drama queen, darling. When the phone rang next I shouted at the person on the other end to fuck off and never contact me again. As my sodding luck would have it, it was Lisa who swore to beat the living daylights out of me. Everyone always sides him and heaps the blame on me, never fails. It's all bollocks. Anyone who tries to ring me from now onwards will be immediately greeted by a Hobbastink song that Kate the clever girl helpfully programmed. I'm going to meet Wolfie.
|Tuesday, July 5th, 2005|
If you want to know what happened here it is. I'd wanted to go to the park, daft idea I admit but it was a rare sunny day in London, I thought we could have a good time feeding ducks and Lila could get some exercise and we could talk without her overhearing. I just wanted his arm around me like in the past. So I was proposing this when John arrived mid sentence, no offence John this isn't about you. Carl led him to the bedroom and I thought OK maybe they have to discuss a joint gig or summat. But I heard John saying "I feel uncomfortable, what about Pete, this isn't right" and Carl answered "Don't worry Johnny we used to do this with birds all the time" and the lock clicked shut.
I sat in the living room and waited. They didn't come out for the next six hours
. By then it had begun to rain. What do you expect, I was fucking broken up about it, on the verge of tears even. They emerged flushed and ridiculously happy and I'd been sitting there waiting like a moron. After John had left I expressed discontent and we had another row. Carl didn't apologise, he fucking decked
me for no reason, so much for being reasonable and keeping his violent tendencies at bay. After the brief punchup which I obviously won, Carl told me to get out. Just like that. I tried to carry Lila off but she struggled free and ran to give Carl a goodbye hug, what for I can't see why. As we were walking she said "You must have made Mummy very angry", to which I replied "Carl doesn't love us any more". Sums it all up really, I thought we could come to a mutually satisfying agreement and coexist amicably but I was wrong as usual, it was not to be and never to be. Simple as that and I never want to see him again.
Excuse me Kate and I have to shag.
well it's over. The quarrel between me and Kate I mean. I marched myself back in the afternoon and she welcomed me with open arms. I was so afraid that she'd slam the door in my face and flatout refuse to take me back but she did, she did. What was I thinking, I love her with all my heart.
Carl Barat and I are no longer speaking.
|Monday, July 4th, 2005|
Up early because I'm not hungover one bit, drink doesn't seem to affect me anymore, funny what brown can do to your system. Last night Carlos asked me very nicely where I'd stashed all his liquor and I realised I'd forgotten. We started on the first bottle we found at the back of his shoe closet and Carlos curled up with Lila who'd drank a glass of raw gin
because she thought it was water. I told Lila drinking would turn her into a fat old geezer because all she did was watch TV anyway and she said, "No, Mummy still looks pretty" and I was surprised that Kate would drink infront of Lila, she was always so orthodox about such matters, but Lila patted Carlos who'd already downed three quarters of the bottle and was smiling blissfully and said "I meant this mummy". It's getting habitual innit. Anyway Carl is stacking everything higher now and further childproofing the house.
oh I'm thinking about the Albion Rooms we used to own, where the furniture was stolen and taps would spurt at us and the refrigerator would break down twice a day but that didn't matter because there was nothing but mould in it. This reminds me so much of it just that we have a young lass now of course. We spent hours writing on the walls and arguing over who each record belonged to. The bedroom was the cleanest because Carlos said he didn't mind living in filth but sleeping in it was a completely different matter so he got on his knees and scrubbed the floor and changed the sheets regularly. Until somethings happened and he moved out.
|Sunday, July 3rd, 2005|
I'm sitting in an Internet cafe drinking strong coffee which I haven't had in a long time and no one seems to recognise me yet. I been looking at sites about myself, live journal too, word gets round fast I say. No one knows about the break up, here's proof I've been keeping me mouth closed.
I left this afternoon and for a good reason, I might be sleeping on the streets tonight shivering in the dark. London seems so much colder and lonelier when one has no destination or belongings, not even a guitar. I made plans to retrieve a pillow and more money from what used to be my room in the mansion but I can't risk getting chucked in jail again. Then I thought of calling The Wolfman but he has no phone, if I show up in his dungeons I'll just get lost and his visitors might violate my body.
Fuck I nearly forgot about Live 8. It was a close one. I had a befuddling dream about Elton John and starving people in Africa, I about to start handing out bread and peanut butter which had mysteriously appeared in my pocket but Elton said I was dressed too inappropriately to be the Messiah and applied purple eyeshadow on me while I resisted. I woke up suddenly when he accidentally poked me in the eye and the real Elton was standing before me telling me our performance was in fifteen minutes. Don't say I'm not a responsible parent, Lila's not a destructive child, no accidents happened while I was away. Now I'm right knackered so I'll talk about it tomorrow if you don't mind.
He's still not home. I always knew it. I'm so hungry I think I might collapse
|Saturday, July 2nd, 2005|
Carl's flat is squashy but comfortable. There are fag ends strewn all over and I found at least ten spare bottles of lager in the storeroom so I'm hiding them Carl. It's queer living in what I once broke into. Atfirst Lila cried all night, homesick I think but now she sleeps well especially after two glasses of Carl's special hot chocolate. Thankfully she's taken well to him, they're quite inseparable really, enough to make me feel left out. They watch cartoons all morning and he lets her help with the cooking though I'm now banned from the kitchen. He even gave one of his prized berets to the "poor neglected child". She was dead chuffed and called him Mummy by accident which made me laugh till Carl threw the remote control at my head.
Annalisa Barat visited this morning to help unblock the sink which I choked with spaghetti, she looks more like Carl than ever. She was not happy to see me and made it clear by casting me a horrified look and leading Carl into the shower for a private chat. At one point their voices got very loud and I heard Annalisa say something about how she was deeply disappointed in Carl and his lack of self-control and how she thought he'd finally started anew and found himself another man. Carl responded angrily that I needed his support temporarily and that above all we were still friends. I didn't know what to make of that. She spent the rest of the time cooing over Lila and ignoring me pointedly.
I've left my books of Albion behind so I should retrieve all my possessions soon, I'm going to need a truck though. I feel constipated because I've many feelings to write about and songs to work on and I can't do so on line, it's not the same. Carl's gone out with John so I'm bored with nothing to do. They're sussing out a new band which are supposed to be pretty. I'd normally be interested but that mcgee wanker will be there and I hate him and besides Katie's not free to babysit Lila, she's attending some big gay event. I know they'll wind up at John's place and Carl will probably forget he has a hungry family waiting for him at home.
Don't bother sending me insulting incriminating text messages because my phone has run out of battery and its charger isn't here either.
|Thursday, June 30th, 2005|
It's been a long day fullof rage and misery now how do I even begin.
I been using Kate's laptop for a week or so and I was bored as usual and well you know how curious I am by nature so I decided to sneak a glance at her mail. I found an ongoing correspondence between her and a private investigation company. It surfaced that she was the one who'd strategically placed cameras around the house to make sure I wasn't smoking crack or cheating on her. That I could take, but her spies had been tailing me and Carlos
wherever we went. Not just me but Carlos. She had no business spying on him and I told her so but she threw a strop about me violating her privacy
. She stormed up to her room and locked the door. Usually I'd try to appease her but this time I was so shocked and hurt by her despicability I made up my mind to leave for good. I was halfway out the gate when I caught sight of Lila toddling about in the garden and she smiled at me and my heart broke further at the thought of never seeing her again so I decided to take her with me. If you are reading this Kate, Lila consented
to leave with me and I didn't kidnap her.
Halfway I realised I'd forgotten to pack any luggage for either of us so we couldn't live on the streets. I had five quid on me originally and I bought us ice-creams so I had three left which wasn't enough for a hotel stay either. I then headed instinctively for the most logical place, Carl's flat though I hadn't been there for a while. I rang the doorbell millions of times and shouted my lungs out but he didn't open the door. Fortunately I remembered he kept his keys under the begonia pot.
I was greeted by the sight of Carl and John snogging on the couch. Carl even had his hand down John's trousers I think. My worst suspicions were confirmed instantly and I was undeniably stricken so I covered Lila's eyes and blurted that I was sorry for interrupting and beat a hasty retreat. Surprisingly Carl went after me and told me it was OK and asked me very kindly what was the matter. The events so far took their toll on me and I burst into tears. Carl held me for a long long time saying "There, there Bilo". John put on his shirt and said he'd leave us to it, that was more than decent of you John boy.
Carl's agreed to take us in for the time being and I can't say how grateful I am. As you've guessed I'm updating from his computer which has Batman wallpaper because one of his sisters came by and he doesn't know how to change it.
Every fucking thing is going wrong and I don't know why
|Tuesday, June 28th, 2005|
I feel under the weather like a broken umbrella though I shouldn't because Baby shambles is the best fucking band in the whole fucking world. Yesterday's performance was great, Mick was happy but said I should've lied about his age. It was better than the first which was abit of a cock up, I dropped my harmonica in a mud puddle and that seems to have damaged it permanently. Also after I'd taken a piss my fly wouldn't zip and Drew tried helping me yank it up but people kept giving us shocked looks so I had to pretend it was a deliberate fashion statement when it was never so even in the old days, only a matter of convenience but I don't want to talk about the past because it's too painful. We're on two different planets and another boy is loving you now and I wonder if it's the same, does he touch your hair and kiss your cheek and read you poetry and steal your cigarettes, even the cheap rotten ones and squeeze in a tub with you and fall over with you on the floor that's wet from all the splashing. Because it's not for me. He's taller and thinner and has a softer voice and I'd rather him be better than me so you can think to yourself that Peter Doherty wasn't worth all the trouble and mentally compare us everytime you fuck but not forget me.
Also I was wed to Kate until around an hour ago.
|Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005|
Kate and I had a decent holiday, better than the last. I would've updated sooner but the bloody computer refused to work. Initially I tried me hand at repairing it but it made strange beeping noises and smoked up the room so I gave up. Kate's letting me use her laptop s'long as I don't go through her email. We sailed a ship, or rather we ate gourmet cuisine and sunbathed frequently on a yacht. It was very romantic and Kate and I could not keep our hands off each other but I had to excuse myself to throw up every now and then.
Unfortunately we were unable to free ourselves of the media. I was talking to what I thought was a charming old man, he appeared to know all about The Libertines and asked about Carl at great length. I was perfectly at ease answering his queries till the wind blew his beard into the ocean. I retreated to the bath to cool off but the next day, a tabloid I picked up at the airport carried pictures of myself in the tub. Taken at not very flattering angles might I add. Kate was unhappy that she hadn't been in the tub with me. There will be other opportunities, my love.
I'm awfully sunburnt and my jeans feel tight, especially around the waist and bum. They must've shrunk in the wash.
|Thursday, June 9th, 2005|
Henrietta resigned this morning. I was alarmed and asked for an explanation incase I'd misused her without knowing it (I'd made her sweep up Wolfie's toenail clippings), but she appeared to be in a state of shock and was unable to give me a concrete answer. The camera has since mysteriously disappeared.
Kate returned in the afternoon. I asked her who she'd been with and she said she was surprised I even cared. I became irrationally jealous and we refused to speak to each other till she read Henrietta's resignation letter and suggested that I'd scared her faithful maid away with my sinister friends and abnormal habits. I lost my temper and suggested that I move out, since I'd been ruining her top-class mansion from the start. Kate relented and begged me to stay as well as "never see Carl Barat again". I became overtaken by guilt but told her the latter was simply not possible. "Fine," she snapped, "As long as the media focuses on us, and doesn't publish anything involving you and him." We then made a list of prolific places to snog in.
In the midst of a marvellous makeup shag, someone started banging at the gate. I opened the window to tell them to bugger off, but it was Lisa. She seemed twice as muscular as before. She shouted that I had been delaying payments and that she would cause me grievous bodily harm unless I coughed up five thousand quid. I could tell she had a crazed expression in her eyes and dove under the covers. I hid there quivering until Kate decided to intervene and threatened to call the police.
My fate is sealed, I will not be able to walk the streets without a bodyguard. Kate was curious as to why Lisa hadn't sued me for breaching of agreement and parental neglect. Lisa doesn't believe in the law; she believes in her enormous fists.
|Wednesday, June 8th, 2005|
I've never been more relieved in my life, all thanks to The Wolfman. Katie and I stumbled around Wolfie's underground passages for a long time, it was dark and dank and Katie was frightened out of her wits but I led the way. Needless to say we were treated to many sights and sounds before we finally found Carl. Wolfie had thoughtfully chained him to the wall so he wouldn't escape. He didn't seem to recognise us though, he called us a "spongebop" and had a daisy painted over his uncharacteristically pale face. With help from Katie I carried him back to her flat and she insisted on giving him a bath and dressing him in her fluffy pink bathrobe. I wanted to stay longer and watch him sleep but was afraid of getting into another squabble with the missus.
Kate wasn't in. She'd left me a note saying she was brassed off with me and my ridiculous fixation with Carl. I couldn't sleep due to a dreadful stomach ache and for fear she'd break up with me.
Today she still wasn't home so I decided to stay in with Lila. Wolfie invited himself over; he wanted to make a meat sculpture, but the fridge contained nothing but greens. He sniffed around the house and located a new camera, this time in the bedroom. It was digital and flashed every two seconds, so we took several erotic photographs of ourselves and pulled out the plug. I let him near Lila after he swore not to kidnap her and we played with trains on the Persian carpet. It was pleasantly sunny afterwards so Wolfie taught her football while I lazed about on the grass. I've forgotten how ace Wolfie is at football, shame really. Wolfie is undeniably fond of Lila and vice versa but insists she only makes him hungry. I don't believe him because he said the same about Andrew Kendall.
I miss Kate. I'm going to practise with the band for Glastonbury till eleven or so, hopefully she'll be back and less shirty by then.
|Tuesday, June 7th, 2005|
Carl's gone missing. I've looked everywhere in London, pubs and clubs and back alleys and places we used to go. I don't know what the fuck to do next, maybe search for a floating body in the Thames.
He didn't show.
I legged it to Katie's flat near midnight. Gary opened the door and we stared at each other. For a second I thought he'd ask me to leave, but he started to grin and we ended up hugging all awkward-like. As expected, John was lounging on the settee. He was wearing his old blue shirt, the one Carl and I wanted to perform experiments on because we couldn't understand how it managed to smell nice for months on end. They seemed well. I felt abit weak in the knees and sat down on John's present.
Katie handed me a mug of lager and whispered it was her plan to get us absolutely sloshed and that she'd even prepared rooms for us. I said it wasn't possible seeing as she lived in a one-room flat. She explained Carl and I could have her bed because she had a spare futon and besides she didn't mind sharing the settee with the other two. Her room looked the same, just with far more shiny rainbow embellishments and what appeared to be a poster of two blokes snogging.
I asked John about Yeti and Gary joined in. Conversation was easy, to my relief and probably theirs although both of them looked distinctly uncomfortable when Katie offered us crackers left over from Christmas and I said I enjoyed crackers. Gary joked that Carl was going to be fashionably late as usual, but by two it became apparent he wasn't coming. Katie began pacing the room and text messaging Carl repeatedly but we told her Carl never responded to messages anyway because he didn't know how.
In the end Kate called me and demanded to know where exactly I was. I didn't want to explain why I was at my ex-girlfriend's and decided it was best I went. I exchanged numbers with John and Gary and we made plans to meet up soon. Carl's present remains in my pocket, a bit smudged but otherwise acceptable. Wonder where he is.